I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
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Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Möther may I have a snäck
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies