me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
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Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up