(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
For those that worship cheese..
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Worst bar ever.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids