Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings