Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
early stone age tool
*leads a conga line off of a bridge