Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”