2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
when nothing goes right… go left
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
so weird how every mom was born today
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up