when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I can’t stop watching this.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Weirdly Wednesday.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.