I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
This is not me but this is me
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player