Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.