Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
You Might Also Like
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My Plans 2020
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.