Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.