HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.