HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.