PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You learn something every day
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.