DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
WWE is French for “yes”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)