I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.