The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My dad teaching me to drive
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!