‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent