Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Spring cleaning checklist…
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…