Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
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I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.