Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
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I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Every work meeting this week
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.