6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.