the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
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Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Social Media and Real life
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”