Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Mouse
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.