Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER