Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
You Might Also Like
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
greetings!
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.