Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
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I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
starting a garage orchestra
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep