Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected