It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I have obtained a hat
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you donβt get the ticket stub tattooed on your face weβll send the FBI to your house.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, βyou complete and utter mango!β βWhat a total pillowcase!β See!?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
So, apparently, avid cyclists donβt like it when you call them βpedalphiles.β
My 8YOβs drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If your kids arenβt drinking enough water, tell them itβs bedtime.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Okay
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?