I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count