[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
#Caturday
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today