A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them