No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
The government even made aliens boring
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?