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I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Who did it better?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend