Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
They did not miss in the small print
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.