“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.