I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Cause of death: Zumba
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
The funk soul brother
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.