“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
A Short Story.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month