i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
You Might Also Like
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
🙂🙃🥹
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.