My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me too 😆
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant