Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
You Might Also Like
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.