NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Mornin
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
this is 10/10 content no notes
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on