the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Erm…
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*