I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.