Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
PLOT TWIST:
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*checks Timeline*…
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”