“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.