Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!