I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
You Might Also Like
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.