me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
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Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄